“Behold, I am the Light of the World. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the Light of Life.” ~ Jesus. (John 8:12)
We don’t have to look for darkness. It’s already dark.
She lay her head on my lap; she was crying. She was somewhere between a teenager and a young woman… certainly no longer a child. Amid her sobs, she said over and over again, “it’s too much, it’s too much.” I wrapped one arm around her and held her against me. With my free hand, I stroked her thick auburn hair and tried to keep up with the flood of tears streaming down her porcelain child-face. She was still so young, and even so, she had suffered so much.
After all. It is too much.
I am growing tired of the way we say things that don’t really mean anything ~ things that make no sense if you think about them. So this time I didn’t. I didn’t say the typical “comfort lies” such as
“it’s okay”
Because it’s NOT ok
Or, “shhh, don’t cry.”
Why not?
I could never understand that one. Why teach children not to cry? We all need to cry. If we don’t cry, our heads and hearts will just blow up. Because this world is a broken place, and we are all broken people. Broken people with an invisible, silent but unstoppable force constantly dragging us into a downward spiral. It’s like a gravitational force. An Earthly Entropy ~ a natural force that tends toward disorder and chaos. It pulls at us, bending us into that place of darkness where the NOT OKAY rules us by default. That place where it’s already dark.
I guess the real questions might be: Since we have no other world, how can we make any order out of the chaos surrounding us? And perhaps more importantly, how do we make sure we are doing the right things with the one life we have been given? How can we be sure we are not succumbing to The Machine that goes on and on, looks busy, important and successful ~
~ but is really getting nowhere?
I was thinking about this a lot when I was in Europe recently. And I was thinking about how these “forces” were affecting my own life. I spent 5 weeks away from my life. As the days and weeks passed, things became simpler and simpler. By the time I got to the villa out in the country in Tuscany, things had gotten very simple.
That was a good thing. I spent time doing simple things. But I was still thinking about how I spent my time and why. Then, without my even noticing, I stepped beyond that.
And I just started being.
I felt a wonderful sense of freedom in just being. I came to a place of peace I am confident I can take back with me into my life at home.
The key, of course, was my spiritual connection with God ~ love for God. Then I began to feel Him love me back. That feeling was absolutely intoxicating. It became so easy to trust Him. And therefore surrender to Him.
I realize that word “surrender” which the Christian people I know talk about seems like something difficult and unpleasant to do. I had never before thought about all the burden of Darkeness and the worry and the NOT OKAY I carried every day as being something God meant for me to surrender. And how wonderful it would be not to have to carry that burden anymore. Suddenly seeing myself as the sheep that I am, and letting Him be my Shepherd, seemed like the most comforting, safe and free life I could imagine.
I don’t mean that things will necessarily be easier, they probably won’t. My son will still be dead. My health will most likely continue to painfully deteriorate. I will still have the same pull upon me toward disorder and darkness that everyone on earth struggles with. But I won’t have to figure it all out. Because I can’t. I can’t figure it out.
We don’t have to choose darkness. The pull toward chaos, unhappiness, fear and suffering is already there.
It’s already dark. But Light ~ Light we GET to choose.
Love is Light
What is Love?
Love is so big it’s like the light you see on a moonless night from the stars. It’s like the night sky is a black velveteen curtain, and the stars are pinholes. And the Glory of the Light that shines through those pinholes and looks to us like stars ~ is really Love. And God is Light; in Him is no darkness at all.
That Light is Love. Divine Love… God.
And God is Love.
This touched me so deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart and your thoughts. This points so beautifully to God’s beautiful grace.
Hello Dorothy,
I am so glad that my own personal struggles, although difficult and definitely humbling to share so publicly, were helpful to you.
God bless you as you press on in your own journey ~
Tricia
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