Darkness comes in many shades…and for many reasons.
It’s 4:00 in the afternoon. I’m sitting on the couch in my pajamas. I haven’t combed my hair. I haven’t eaten anything. I can’t remember if I’ve done anything at all. I can’t seem to make myself care. I desperately want to be vulnerable enough to call a friend ~ someone to just come and be with me. But I don’t even have the energy to pick up my cell phone. And I don’t know who I want to be with in this mess I have found myself in anyway. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.
Except maybe my son, Joel. He had seen me like this many times. And it was always okay with him. Even though he had his own intense struggles with depression, Joel was a very good listener. And he always made me laugh. That is, when he wasn’t being a jerk. But he always had a certain sweetness and compassion about him. Maybe because he knew what it felt like to feel like this.
Sometimes I miss him so much, I feel like I can’t breathe.
In my heart of hearts, I know Joel is now free and happy. The sting of death is suffered by those who are left behind.
Depression. Grief. Hopelessness. Sickness. This life we have been given is hard. Every one of us has, or will have, something to deal with within this life’s brackets that we feel like we can’t deal with. But somehow, we do. We must.
I tell myself it will be worth it all in the end. And I believe myself. I really do. Not just because I have to. Or just because I want to. But because I do. Even though I do not understand God’s ways,
I know He is good.
I know that He loves me. And I know He would not let me suffer needlessly. It is not in His nature. Because God is love.
If I have to lay here on the couch and feel horrible and do nothing today, will the world end? Probably not. Most likely, tomorrow I will feel better. And if it’s another couch day…oh well. As long as I keep holding on to His hand, He promises to never let go of mine. My continually swirling emotions probably don’t matter all that much in the scheme of eternity. Then I tell myself ~
Remember the big picture of your life. Remember the direction you have chosen. Remember ~ there’s always hope in God. Whether it feels like it or not in this moment.
Being a person who struggles with depression, I have wondered about these apparently unanswerable questions for as long as I can remember. What is the difference between grief and depression? What is the purpose of either? What does it accomplish in our lives to be paralyzed and imprisoned by our emotions and unable to be understood by other people? Why do we have those utterly unbearably painful days when we can’t see the point of doing anything at all?
Why?
The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who had someone she loved die in what seemed to me a horribly senseless way. Drugs. He slipped into a drug induced coma after being clean and sober for some time. 75% of his brain was gone. Just like that. That being the case, I suppose it was a mercy he didn’t wake up. What would the rest of his life have been like if he had? But for me, the real question was, why in the world did he start using again?
Why did my son start using again after over a year of being clean and sober ~ only to die around 3 months later? Why, why, why?
I hope I always remember my friend’s answer to my never ending questions:
“Tricia, there is no WHY”
There’s nothing wrong with me wondering. Not even if I wonder for the rest of my life. But I think she’s right. There is no why. At least not yet.
.
Words of Wonder
This paralyzing depression ~
Is it just an obsession
An adolescent regression?
Stuck like rubber boots
In the thickness of mud ~
That soul~sucking futility
My life seems to bear no useful ability.
Am I letting how I feel
Rule me, defining my life
As false or real?
Is there reason for feeling glad
Or sad,
Good or bad?
Up or down?
Like something thought precious
Lost or found?
What if how I feel today
Really doesn’t matter?
Like an old shirt
I refuse into the trash to scatter?
Instead, I’m grasping tightly
To its fraying tatter?
What is joy?
A feeling
A state of being
Or just a momentary toy?
Whichever way, I know it’s not
The goal of life.
If it were, we would
All be walking the
Edge of a ruthless knife.
On one side a sunny day.
On the other,
An abyss of pain.
Sunshine ~ rain
This cycle continuing
Again and again.
Rest and strife ~
Together ~ day after
Seemingly endless day.
Is this what makes a life?
No ~ somewhere deep inside
I’m convinced that
Every person on earth
Has a destiny
And rides their own tide ~
Each placed here by God
For this very task,
This very reason,
In this very season.
There must be a purpose
For each one of us that’s real.
And it might not really matter
This particular today,
Or moment,
Within this special heartbeat
~How or what I feel
~tricia woodworth 9/12/17
Thank you for sharing your story and your poem. Both are real and lovely. My husband struggles with depression and it is hard for him to explain. It is good that you can put it into words. I am just so thankful that both you and he know and love Jesus. He is the answer to everything. I know I will finally feel “right” when I am in his arms at the end of time.
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