Wonder Words

Darkness comes in many shades…and for many reasons.

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon. I’m sitting on the couch in my pajamas. I haven’t combed my hair. I haven’t eaten anything. I can’t remember if I’ve done anything at all. I can’t seem to make myself care. I desperately want to be vulnerable enough to call a friend ~ someone to just come and be with me. But I don’t even have the energy to pick up my cell phone. And I don’t know who I want to be with in this mess I have found myself in anyway. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Except maybe my son, Joel. He had seen me like this many times. And it was always okay with him. Even though he had his own intense struggles with depression, Joel was a very good listener. And he always made me laugh. That is, when he wasn’t being a jerk. But he always had a certain sweetness and compassion about him. Maybe because he knew what it felt like to feel like this.

Sometimes I miss him so much, I feel like I can’t breathe.

In my heart of hearts, I know Joel is now free and happy. The sting of death is suffered by those who are left behind.

Depression. Grief. Hopelessness. Sickness. This life we have been given is hard. Every one of us has, or will have, something to deal with within this life’s brackets that we feel like we can’t deal with. But somehow, we do. We must. 

I tell myself it will be worth it all in the end. And I believe myself. I really do. Not just because I have to. Or just because I want to. But because I do. Even though I do not understand God’s ways,

I know He is good.

I know that He loves me. And I know He would not let me suffer needlessly. It is not in His nature. Because God is love.

If I have to lay here on the couch and feel horrible and do nothing today, will the world end?  Probably not. Most likely, tomorrow I will feel better. And if it’s another couch day…oh well. As long as I keep holding on to His hand, He promises to never let go of mine. My continually swirling emotions probably don’t matter all that much in the scheme of eternity. Then I tell myself ~

Remember the big picture of your life. Remember the direction you have chosen. Remember ~ there’s always hope in God. Whether it feels like it or not in this moment.

Being a person who struggles with depression, I have wondered about these apparently unanswerable questions for as long as I can remember. What is the difference between grief and depression? What is the purpose of either? What does it accomplish in our lives to be paralyzed and imprisoned by our emotions and unable to be understood by other people? Why do we have those utterly unbearably painful days when we can’t see the point of doing anything at all?  

Why?

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who had someone she loved die in what seemed to me a horribly senseless way. Drugs. He slipped into a drug induced coma after being clean and sober for some time. 75% of his brain was gone. Just like that. That being the case, I suppose it was a mercy he didn’t wake up. What would the rest of his life have been like if he had? But for me, the real question was, why in the world did he start using again?

Why did my son start using again after over a year of being clean and sober ~ only to die around 3 months later? Why, why, why?

I hope I always remember my friend’s answer to my never ending questions:

“Tricia, there is no WHY”

There’s nothing wrong with me wondering. Not even if I wonder for the rest of my life. But I think she’s right. There is no why. At least not yet.

.

Words of Wonder 

This paralyzing depression ~

Is it just an obsession

An adolescent regression?

Stuck like rubber boots

In the thickness of mud ~

That soul~sucking futility

My life seems to bear no useful ability.

Am I letting how I feel

Rule me, defining my life

As false or real?

Is there reason for feeling glad

Or sad,

Good or bad?

Up or down?

Like something thought precious

Lost or found?

What if how I feel today

Really doesn’t matter?

Like an old shirt

I refuse into the trash to scatter?

Instead, I’m grasping tightly

To its fraying tatter?

What is joy?

A feeling

A state of being

Or just a momentary toy?

Whichever way, I know it’s not

The goal of life.

If it were, we would

All be walking the

Edge of a ruthless knife.

On one side a sunny day.

On the other,

An abyss of pain.

Sunshine ~ rain

This cycle continuing

Again and again.

Rest and strife ~

Together ~ day after

Seemingly endless day.

Is this what makes a life?

No ~ somewhere deep inside

I’m convinced that

Every person on earth

Has a destiny

And rides their own tide ~

Each placed here by God

For this very task,

This very reason,

In this very season.

There must be a purpose

For each one of us that’s real.

And it might not really matter

This particular today,

Or moment,

Within this special heartbeat

~How or what I feel

~tricia woodworth 9/12/17